I used to think that I thrived on crisis.
That I needed crisis.
And that I did well with crisis.
One of my coworkers, after we dealt with a super intense incident at the shelter, said "you get off on this don't you".
And maybe I did, and maybe I do. But I'm not sure anymore.
Lots of times now the thought of dealing with stuff just makes me exhausted.
I think maybe that more than crisis, I do well with new experiences.
Except I don't.
I'm caught in this place where I crave both complete stability and total change and I don't know how to reconcile those two things.
I long to travel, then I'm bored and wish I was home.
I want new projects at work, but then get overwhelmed and exhausted by them. But as soon as things are back to normal, I want something new again.
I cope with life through routine and consistency.
Early to bed, clothes laid out, church every Sunday, drink my coffee, do the things.
But then I also crave things outside the routine.
A balance I have yet to find.
So here I am in Yukon, trying to feel my feelings. And I'm stuck.
I don't know how to do this.
How do I feel....
What do I feel....
What if all that is there is just more anxiety, because that's all I've felt so far....
